I grabbed my cloth purse, and slipped on a jacket. I left through the backdoor to be safe, and took a route I was sure my father wouldn’t have seen me in. I wasn’t allowed out of the house with him gone. But I needed to get something for Ritchie today, before everything was sold out. He’d done so much for me; I had to do something for him. He really deserved it.
The clouds above were heavy and gray with snow. It seemed impossible for it to be that way. Why wasn’t everything beautiful and cheery? The wind blew against my face, turning my nose red from cold. I pulled my coat more tightly around me.
It probably hadn’t been too smart to take the darker roads, where less people passed by than the main street. But I had to make sure my father wouldn’t see me. And when I noticed a dark shape in the corners, I knew it wasn’t exactly gonna be Ritchie trying to play a joke on me. And as I passed the entrance to an alleyway, a few burly looking teds stepped in front of me and forced me to back into the alley.
Another one came out of the corners sneering,
“Why, is that Starkey’s girl?” He asked a twinkle of malice in his deep set eyes. He was the same guy we’d had a run in with the night before, he must’ve been in a fight though, because he had a few bruises on his face. He snatched my purse out of my hands and I reached for it, but he held it easily out of my reach.
“So it is,” Another said, stepping closer and pushing my shoulder to a wall. He smelled like the grease he put in his hair, and he wasn’t anything to look at either, that’s for sure.
“Pity it takes three of you to take one girl.” I muttered with narrowed eyes. “Why don’t you go steal some brains to share?” But that most likely hadn’t been smart, as he pulled his arm back and laid into me. Definitely not above hitting a girl… My arm ached, but I pulled myself back to my feet as he pawed through my purse.
“She ain’t got much,” He told his ‘friends’, shoving it into his pocket. He turned to me and pressed me back into the wall, I could feel his breath against my face and it stank. “Starkey ain’t got nothin’ on me.” He growled. I wasn’t sure I knew what he meant, but when I felt his hands sidle up my skirt and he pressed his lips to mine, I got a bad feeling about it. He none of the tenderness Ritchie did. I spit in his face and he wiped it away, laughing.
“Ya don’ gotta be like that.” He said and pressed my body roughly into the brick wall with his own.
I yelped for Ritchie, desperate for any help at all.
“Ritchie?” He mocked. “I’ll let ya in on somethin’ girl; Starkey ain’t interested in you no more than any other bird out there. In fact...” He said with a particularly chilling smile.
“He tol’ me, you were partic’uly easy.” He said running his fingers down my arm. I was filled with a mix of confusing emotions. Anger, because we hadn’t done anything more than kiss really. Embarrassment, how many people now thought I was ‘easy’? But then, confusion. It was so out of his character, but had it all been an act after all?
I felt tears spring to my eyes as I struggled to hold them back. “No.” I said, surprising myself with a steady voice. “He’s not like that…” Suddenly the gray sky welcomed my mood.
“’E’s a guy.” He shrugged, “’E only wanted one thing from ya. He seemed to have lost interest in me by now and led his gang out of the alley. I was left alone in the grimy street and felt alone in so many other ways. I leaned against the brick wall, clutching my now bruising arm and letting tears run down my face freely. I sniffed and wiped them away from my face in embarrassment.
How could such a wonderful day, and night, have such a heartbreaking follow-up? I was more successful this time as I slowed my breathing, wiping the tears away. My legs felt shaky and weak, but I had to go home. I couldn’t sit here in a dirty alleyway feeling sorry for myself. But my throat hurt and I wanted to cry until I couldn’t anymore, I wanted to sleep, to tell myself this was an extremely vivid nightmare.
I didn’t have anyone to go to. Definitely not my father, he’d only make it worse. And I couldn’t lay my troubles onto my mother, (God no. I would never tell her that I had done anything with Ritchie, even if she did like him) and my friends wouldn’t understand, besides, it was too embarrassing. And now, I didn’t even have Ritchie, who always seemed
so honest.
But now… it was all fake, everything. Even what I had experienced that night had all been part of an act of his. I kicked angrily at a can that lay open and abused on the road. It clattered noisily and skidded to a halt a few feet away from our gate. I don’t remember much after that, I remember opening the door, and lying down in my bed. I woke around 1p.m. I lay in bed for awhile longer, and sobbed into my pillow as everything replayed itself in my head. I pressed my face into the pillow where he had once lain. It still smelled faintly of him, and I found myself hugging it close to me, in spite of myself.
I felt like I needed him, and it killed me.
***
My father didn’t comment on my puffy eyes, or sniffling, or that I preferred to stay in my room for most of the day. I was grateful for this mainly because I didn’t want to lie to him. But annoyed as well, I was tired of him ignoring me like this.
At dinner I moved my food around on the plate and didn’t eat a bite of it. My father was able to dismiss this as well. I was tired of sleepless nights. At least before I had good thoughts to keep me awake… Now… Now it was nothing but bitter memories of something that had been fake all along.
In the morning I was awoken by sunlight streaming in through my bedroom window. Groaning, I pulled my pillow over my head again and shut my eyes tightly, willing myself to sleep. Sleep gave me some reprieve…
But no sleep came. Sitting up in bed I noticed that it must be about noon. I dressed slowly; my thoughts were occupied. I walked downstairs in an almost dream-like state. My father was gone, and I could hear my mother’s radio playing softly, echoing through the halls.
I cringed as I heard a soft knock at the door. I walked cautiously toward it, and I peeked out between the curtains.
No, no, no, no, no. I screamed in my head. I didn’t want to talk to him. Or see him. Or think about him, I just wanted him to go away…
I opened the door to see his smiling face and felt myself recoil. The confused look on his face was enough to make me want to forgive him. And he had a bruise below his eye; he was making this harder than I thought it would be.
“Ya alright, luv?” He asked, reaching forward to take my hand in his. I jerked it back and stared angrily at the floor.
“What’s wrong with ya?” He asked stepping forward so that he was almost in my house.
“Get away.” I muttered. “I met up with some of your ‘mates’ on my way to pick something up.” I wasn’t going to mention it had been a gift for him. “Now, aside from robbing me,” I explained through gritted teeth, and I noticed his face had gone pale. With anger or fear I didn’t know, or care.
“They also informed me about how you really feel.” I said, turning my gaze on him. I saw a little bit of color return to his face.
“And 'ow do I feel?" He asked and I noticed that a bit of anger tinged his words, I didn’t like that… I didn’t want him to be mad at me. Wait, what was I thinking? No, I don’t care.
Managing to sum up a very small amount of courage I told him what Alan had said.
“What?” He cried in disbelief. “Ya can’ possibly believe that luv? Can ya?” The look on his face made me want to cry, he didn’t look far from tears himself, his eyes pleading with me to say I didn’t believe a word of it.
“I’m sorry Ritchie.” I said quickly wiping a tear from my cheek hoping he wouldn’t notice. He stepped back from my door in disbelief. He looked at me as I shut the door and I felt myself shiver, but not in a good way. I watched through the curtain as he left, angry and seemingly confused.
The rest of the day of the day the look on his face before he left stayed with me. He’d seemed so shattered, surely that meant Alan had been lying? No, why would he? But at least it was over with now. I wouldn’t have to see him again, it was over.
But I wanted to see him again. I wanted for him to be here with me, holding me tightly. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t escape him. The littlest things reminded me of him, and I could still remember the warmth of his hand holding mine.
I stared at the Christmas tree only half aware of my surroundings. I hate Christmas. I thought bitterly. I wanted the holiday season to pass right then and there if it was possible. I returned to my room and sobbed into a pillow. I wasn’t a fan of crying, it made me feel weak.
But it also helped me to feel better. It was a good stress reliever, and it wasn't long before my pillow was dark with tears and I tried to calm my shuddering breaths. I didn’t go downstairs at all that afternoon. And my father didn’t seem to mind either. He only knocked on my door to see if I was home... and not out with Ritchie. I added bitterly.
Sleep came much more easily than it had previously, probably because I was so exhausted from my fits of tears. I woke early the next morning to the sound of a fist against my door.
“Ana, wake up. You’re not sleeping in again.” Rubbing my eyes sleepily I slid out of bed and opened the door. My father was fishing something out of his pocket and handed it to me. It was some money, and when I look up at him in confusion he explained,
“Ya need ta go and get some groceries today, we’re running low. But don’ spend too much, yer mom’s medical bills need ta get paid.” I noticed his hair was streaked with gray and he had dark circles under his eyes. I nodded and went to change. At least I had something to distract me from… Other, less pleasant, thoughts. He handed me a list before he left.
I didn’t head out right away, but once I did, my mind started playing all sorts of scenarios through my head. What if I run into him? What if he’s got another girl on his arm? But mostly, ‘why do I care?’
I was about a block from the store when I ran into Peggie. I was actually really happy to see her; I’d missed her a lot over winter break. After pulling apart from our hug, we started talking about everything we’d been up to. Her father had received a raise and she was going to spent a bit of leisure money.
We did our shopping together inside and were out quickly. Between the two of us, we’d only bought about six or seven items. I was almost in the clear, almost home without seeing Ritchie, when I saw him. I know Peggie noticed because I started talking in a voice even softer than a whisper.
“What?” She asked, and looked up to see what had made me go so quiet. “Who’s that?” She asked, poking me in the ribs with a giggle. I shook my head, indicating I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to vanish, to run away. But I also wanted to let Ritchie know how sorry, how afraid I was.
I dared to look up and my eyes locked with his, and his impenetrable blue gaze filled me again with mixed emotions. I felt my legs go weak and my face burn. As we walked past each other his jacket brushed against the bare skin of my arm and I bit my lip.
Once we’d walked a ways past him, Peggie turned to me ginning like an idiot.
“Okay, so who was he? He seemed to know you.” She glanced back at his receding figure. “Kinda cute too,” She said after a moment of thought.
Oh, how I wish she’d just shut up!
“Wait, I know him!” She said turning to me and gripping my arm tightly. Usually she wasn’t one for all this excitement, but she was gossipy… “He’s that drummer guy! How’d he know you?”
“We hung out for a bit.” I muttered quickening my pace. She kept up with me, pestering me for more details. Finally, when I felt about to explode, I knew I had to tell her. Yeah, she was gossipy. But If I really wanted her to keep a secret, I knew she could. I was tired of keeping all these things to myself, trying to silence my whining emotions and deal with it.
So I told her, most everything. I skipped the times we’d shared in my bedroom, but did mention that we’d kissed. By the time I’d finished her eyes were practically popping out of her head.
“Ana… how on earth could you not tell me any of this? Oh gosh I’m so sorry!” She said, hugging me close. I remembered then why I liked her. I hugged her back tightly, sighing and wishing I had told her before.
“Ya… ya didn’t, you know…?” She asked, and I was clueless.
“Huh?” She rolled her eyes at me and sighed.
“You know, go all the way? You didn’t, did you?” Blushing, I rapidly shook my head. “Good, because you never know what kind of stuff could ‘appen.”
We talked for a little while longer, but I finally went inside, I felt better, knowing someone else knew. I put the groceries away and listened to my mother’s radio, letting myself fade into the noise.
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